Some Assembly Required

This is one of the most evil phrases known to mankind. From IKEA bedroom furnishings to toys for kids, “some assembly required” is a one way ticket to hell. These days you can’t buy anything without building it yourself at home with the wrong tools, directions written in every language in small font, with at least 25 steps, and of course some pieces missing. I’m a fairly good handyman, but “some assembly required” strikes a chord of irrational fear in me that causes me to avoid buying certain items. In fact, if I buy a bike for my kid I have a choice—“some assembly required” or pay 10 bucks extra for the model that has already been built.
On Christmas Eve and Day people around the nation suffer as they struggle to build the hot wheels set, bedroom furniture, medieval castle, skateboards, etc. Sometimes it takes hours of frustration, minor back pain and eye strain to assemble the item. It seems like a scam to me. The prices aren’t cheaper; they just do less work for the consumer. In the future, will we go to a store to buy a shirt and walk out with some fabric, thread and a needle? How about building a flat-screen t.v. on Christmas Eve in the garage after a few egg nogs? Or walking out of a furniture store with one piece of wood and some instructions. “Some assembly required” translates to “A huge amount of frustrating bullshit is demanded to use this product” or “ripoff.”

A Day in the Life...

Today I woke up at 5:15 a.m. I walked to the kitchen and flipped on the coffee pot, which I had loaded up last night with 1 and a half cups of coffee. I went into the bathroom and put in my contact lenses and then put on the shaving cream. I left the bathroom with the shaving cream on my face and put two eggs along with a tablespoon of salsa in the frying pan and turned it on to low heat. I returned to the bathroom and finished shaving.

After shaving and contact lenses, I put the scrambled eggs on a plate with two tablespoons of cottage cheese; I grabbed my coffee and sat at the table and ate breakfast.

I put the dishes in the sink and walked to the bedroom where I turned on sportscenter. The time was 5:40. I did 20 pushups and then 45 sit-ups—three sets of each and then turned on the shower to get the water heated up. At 5:53 I entered the shower, so that I would get out at 6:00 to catch the beginning of sportscenter.

I put on deodorant and some cologne and eye drops while watching television. My selected clothes were hanging on the door and I put them on. At 6:15 I began tying my tie. It took me approximately 10 minutes to get the right knot and length so that it hangs to my belt and is symmetrical at my neck. After making sure that it looks acceptable, I unbutton the top button so that my neck can breathe. A free-range human neck is always preferable to an uptight choking shirt collar. I headed to the bathroom to take my vitamins. Every morning I take aspirin, multi vitamin, saw palmetto, vitamin c, glucosomine. I brush my teeth and put moisturizer on my hands and face. Finally, I comb my hair, grab my man purse, walk out to get the paper and get in the car. Before leaving, I make sure that I have my sandwich in my purse and my cell phone. It is 6:45.

At work I eat two handfuls of roasted, unsalted mixed nuts at 9:45. At 12:30 I eat the same sandwich that I have eaten for the last 9 years at my desk. 6 slices of turkey, 2 slices of Swiss cheese on low-carb bread. At 1:00 I go to a café and read the paper for my hour lunch break.

At 4:20 I get up from my desk and walk to my car. I drive home and change from my office zombie clothes to more comfortable clothes. I pick out my outfit for tomorrow and begin planning dinner and what sports I will watch that night. At 6:30 I have a glass of red wine and begin making my lunch and coffee for the next day, along with dinner. At dinner I have another glass of wine and then I sit on the couch and read until 8:45.

At that time, I take off my contacts, floss my teeth, take my natural sleep aid pills and pour my nightcap. I check the Internet for a few minutes and then go to sleep at 9:30 and wake up at 5:15 a.m. to begin another day.

I do this same routine every day. Isn’t life wonderful?