Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The King of Federal Agents




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In 1970, Elvis Presley wrote to President Nixon asking to be made a Federal Agent-at-Large in the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. He was concerned with the “hippie elements” and their “drug culture.”

Imagine, the biggest drug addict in America asking to be made a federal agent in the war on drugs.

Nixon gave him a federal agent’s badge and a few years later Fat Elvis added the “at large” part, and then he died of a massive drug overdose while sitting on his toilet, causing him to fall face first and suffocate in his two inch shag carpet. Classic. Irony.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Hey You! Watch the Road.


As you drive east on Venice Blvd in Western California, you probably will take your eyes off of the road to look up at this sign. This is one of the greatest examples of irony ever. Whoever dreamed this up is a genius. Can you picture someone reading it and rear-ending the car in front of them and a huge chain reaction accident developing? Sweet!

And speaking of driving in Los Angeles….there are big problems. The lack of public transportation fiasco has crippled this city. People can no longer go anywhere for a good portion of the day. I would love to go to Hollywood from the Westside, but it has become impossible! Want to see the Dodgers? Get ready to sit in your car for two hours before and after the game. Clubbing in Hollywood? Get ready for packed streets, with people walking faster than you can drive…again for hours. Want to go somewhere on a Friday afternoon? Sorry, you can’t.

It is a quality of life and public health issue that should have people filing a large class-action lawsuit against whoever is responsible for the people of L.A. sitting in their cars every day for hours breathing in car exhaust.

Los Angeles is a great city but the transportation disaster is turning it into a dysfunctional mess and it doesn’t look to be fixed anytime soon.

Monday, November 26, 2007

St. Louis




I went to St. Louis for four days as part of my racketeering gig. My hotel was located INSIDE of a shopping mall, so every day I walked out of my room and straight into that weird lighting and music and scores of wandering aimless teenagers with brightly colored hoodies holding slushy drinks.

My first night in St. Louis I went to the infamous Casino Queen in East St. Louis; very depressing atmosphere full of beaten down people chain-smoking and playing cartoon-like slot machines. After five minutes, my eyes were burning from the clouds of toxic nicotine gas that settled over the crowd. Fortunately, the drinks were only a dollar, so I was able to dull the pain with only a few bucks. I don’t gamble, so it was a short and cheap night. Smoking cigarettes was a big deal in St. Louis. Everywhere I went, people were lighting up with that wrinkled brown bag skin look and raspy voices.

Next morning I woke up and walked to the baseball stadium. Many of the new stadiums being built look great and have fan-friendly amenities that Dodger Stadium is completely lacking. They are located downtown, with city views, historical statues, close to public transportation and surrounded by good bars and restaurants. A few stadiums have even set up establishments run by ex-players like Boog Powell’s Baltimore Barbecue, and St. Louis has a bar with Al Hrabosky the Mad Hungarian as its namesake. I began formulating a new idea for Los Angeles--Daryl Strawberry’s Crack House. Stadium officials could put up a shack in the parking lot and have Daryl and other infamous neighborhood legends slanging rock and hanging out with their peeps and mingling with Dodger fans who want to experience the high life. I’m sure this would be a big hit.

Next, I walked to the big metal arch thing that is next to the river. I figured I could take an elevator up to the top and take a picture, but it was all crowded and I finally got in and learned that I had to wait two more hours to go up. I watched a great documentary and looked at the Lewis and Clark exhibit and then I began the process of getting to the top. I won’t bore with the details but it involves more lines more waits and then a hot stuffy claustrophobic ride up to the top where you look out some really small dirty windows and go back down as soon as possible. Not worth it and it took all day.

Headed out to the Del Mar Loop, which is like a smaller and cleaner version of Haight Street with hipsters and hippies and record stores. I still had not paid once for the metro public transportation and had made numerous trips back and forth across the city. I wondered if others were riding for free also.

St. Louis is full of people wearing mouth jewelry. Big grills that make it difficult to speak. At one point, late at night, I was the only white dude on a crowded metro line and everyone was grilled out with these brightly colored hoodies listening to loud headphones and rapping along with their individual ear concert. It was loud with everyone moving their hands around cursing to the beat and their grills were so big that they had trouble enunciating the lines. I wish I had a video camera because it was like a macabre party with everyone drinking and riding the metro all acting intense but friendly-like at the same time. And then the metro stopped and everyone was ordered off, and security came down and walked around checking everything and the train left with everyone standing in the cold wondering what now? Finally another train arrived to continue the party.

The next morning I went on the Anheuser Busch Brewery Tour. I walked for what seemed like two hours through a strange part of town called Soulard with small red brick houses and many small neighborhood pubs full of guys watching sports, talking loud, and waving lit cigarettes in the air. I was beginning to notice that St. Louis is full of abandoned houses with boarded up windows and in E. Saint Louis there are large office-type buildings which are abandoned with broken windows and surrounded by empty lots. Why are there so many empty buildings and why aren’t the homeless people from other cities making their way to St. Louis? Maybe this is why I didn’t see ANY homeless people the whole time. But I did see lots of smokers with grills…people not barbecues.

Anyway, the Budweiser tour isn’t that great. It’s very corporate and the Clydesdale horses do not seem happy as they are housed in a small barn next to a bunch of barking Spuds Mackenzie dogs. Afterwards, they give you a few beers and some pretzels, so it’s not a complete waste of time.

Did the long walk back to the hotel mall, noticing that drivers do not stop for people in intersections, which is different from Western California, where pedestrians can do whatever they want and the cars have to stop.

Went to see The Evens, a folk-punk band featuring Ian Mackaye at some out-of-the-way art space in some other abandoned part of town. They put on a great show with much audience participation and great music and insightful comments of course. A must-see, especially for 5 bucks.

And that was St. Louis.